“What am I doing?”
This question has plagued my thoughts, waking or sleeping, for the past few months. From the moment the idea of a farm apprenticeship entered my mind, I have been riding an emotional roller coaster from pure excitement to sheer terror and everything in between.
What am I doing?
There are moments when I am convinced I have lost my mind. While I tend towards impulsiveness when it comes to vacations and farmers’ market purchases, I generally choose stability for day-to-day life. Yet I find myself willingly giving up a secure job in a city I love for what? Long, lonely hours of manual labor in the heart Pennsylvania’s Amish country? I spent the past two and a half years building a life for myself in New York and Brooklyn, learning the rhythms of the city, investing in community, and finding my niche. Am I just going to throw it all away for the unknown?
What am I doing?
I am trying, and possibly failing – time will tell, to live without regrets. When I tell people my plans the most common response isn’t shock; it’s envy. “I wish I could…” “I wish I had…” When I look back on my life, I don’t want it to be filled with “what if’s.” I don’t want to be burdened with the knowledge that I sacrificed my passions for a paycheck or my dreams for health insurance. I want to live a life that is worth living. A life that makes for a good story. And so in a few short weeks I will turn my world upside down, leaving the comfort of my city routine for the unknown of rural America.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit scared. This is the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken. But life should be scary, at least a little. It is in the moments of terror that we grow the most. I am taking a risk and praying it pays off in the end. Or, at the very least, that the lessons I learn won’t be too terribly painful!
That is what I am doing.